eawr: April 2005 archives


Clowns to the Left of Me

[ rakaur on Sat Apr 23 at 07:44 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

Photography. It also seems that Harrison might have fixed my camera… if he ever puts it back together.

So I got up at six, left at seven, spent twelve hours in Sparta, and now I’m back. What a spectacular waste of twelve hours. It was track. It was cold. It was windy. I spent most of the trip either sleeping, listening to music to drown out the morons, sleeping to drown out the morons, or listening to music to drown out the morons while trying to sleep. I think, however, I may have had an epiphany.

I think, maybe Tesla was right. Maybe friendships and emotions and all of that jazz only serve as a distraction.

No, I don’t really believe that. I think friendships are part of life, and should be experienced fully. Unfortunately, in my case, I seem to experence little friendship, and a lot of losing it. Maybe, I’m not meant to have friends. I mean, as an INTP, my least developed personality trait is emotions. Feelings. I don’t get them. I don’t think most people get them, but I really don’t get them. After a painful eighteen years trying to lead healthy (friend|relation)ships, and utterly failing, I’m starting to think just maybe it’s not part of who I am. Maybe I have a complete inability to lead a successful relationship.

I mean, why not? Some people can draw, others can’t. Some people can interact with others, some can’t. What’s the difference? I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, but I seem to want to make damn sure I stay that way. I’m insanely upset over having lost a good… no, my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding, but just maybe… I don’t know. I’ve always known I’m not a people person. While I sat against the wall listening to music, I watched everyone gather in a circle and talk about things and play games, and I had absolutely no want or inclination to join them. I just sat there against the wall, alone, listening to music, while my team mates made the best of a bad day. I always sit alone on the bus, too. Sometimes I’d like to take part in one of the conversations, but I know no one really wants to listen to anything I have to say, so I’ll just get pissed off when I’m talking and no one listens (another INTP trait).

Another observation I made today astounds me. I have to wonder, how and why so flabbergastingly stupid people have such success in social situations. Although they utterly fail to grasp even the most basic concepts of social rules, they still succeed in social situations. Not only that, but they’re viewed as “outspoken” and “friendly.” I fail to see how shitting your pants on the bus, rubbing your ass (and other parts) on people you don’t know, and being mind-numbingly ugly makes you outspoken. I used to think, “man, society sure has my respect; it takes a lot of stamina and energy to successfully tolerate so many stupid people every day,” but then I realized the vast majority of society is composed of stupid people. I used to think I completely failed to understand society insomuch as that there are social rules, which appear to exist for the sole reason of doing anything in a social situation except for following social rules. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, or better than society (because clearly, society works, so it must just be me), but, Jesus Mother of Fuck, people are stupid.

I’m going to die alone.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.23 @ 07:44 PM

1600m Bullshit

[ rakaur on Sat Apr 16 at 10:14 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

First off, photography. Now on to the good stuff.

I’m… well, I’m actually not sure what I am.

At the meet today, I was over by the high jump when someone pointed out Kori walking across the field. So, I walk over to say hi, and she just starts crying and hugs me.

When I first pulled up to the meet, I thought I saw her (ex)boyfriend (see previous post) playing tennis with some girl. That girl turned out to be the one that’s tried to split them up in the past. And, to be completely honest with you, when Kori told me they broke up I figured “hey, you know what, I bet he just wants to pork that other girl,” but then I thought “nah, you know, Chris seems to be like a good guy.” Then, today she tells me that he initiated the breakup… so I don’t know what to think anymore.

So Kori shows up and sees them playing, and gets insanely upset. I walked around with her until I had to go run (which I’ll get to, but this is more important). I do know, that if he wants to split up with her just so he can get laid by some other (rather unattractive) girl, and then get back together, that’s just not cool at all. Kori loves him so much, you know, and is taking this so hard, and it hurts everyone (at least, her and me). He doesn’t seem to be having any difficulty with it whatsoever. And, judging by the way he refused to look at her when she tried to talk to him, and just went on playing tennis, it’s as if he’s just trying to drop her like a bad habit. Of course, I don’t know the whole story, but this is how it comes off to me.

I’ve never had anything against Chris, I always thought he was a really good guy, and Kori was happy, so I was happy. That, however, has changed. I don’t know what to think of him anymore, and I sure as hell know Kori isn’t happy anymore. I love her to death, and I hate seeing her like this. At this very moment, I wish I could just track her down and hug her forever.

I might care about her more than I should, but it’s better than caring about her less than I should.

Now, about the run. I had to run the 1600m (one mile) for the first time today. My PR was 6:42, which I thought was about right for me, ‘cause I suck. So, I was supposed to pace with this other kid on our team the whole time. He kept telling me the whole time to go ahead, and I kept telling him I was saving it for the fourth (final) lap, and the kids around us just kept looking at me like I was bullshitting it. So, it comes around to the fourth lap and I picked up the pace a bit, and passed a few kids. On the last 100 meters I started kicking (sprinting) and passed three or four kids, and tried to catch this Roxana kid that I beat in the 800m last time, but I missed him by a second or so. I wound up with 5:58.

At least something went well tonight.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.16 @ 10:14 PM

How To Waste Five Hours

[ rakaur on Wed Apr 13 at 06:37 AM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

Got five hours to blow? Try this!

  1. Leave class at 2:15.
  2. Get dressed.
  3. Get on the bus at 2:20.
  4. Wait around for no apparent reason and finally leave at 2:50.
  5. Get to Red Bud at 4:00.
  6. Warm up, stretch and such at 4:10.
  7. Go back to the bus because of hail at 4:20.
  8. Go back to the track because of lack of hail at 4:25.
  9. Warm up, stretch and such at 4:30.
  10. Go back to the bus because of lightning at 4:35.
  11. Wait around for them to cancel the meet and finally leave at 5:00.
  12. Eat at Waterloo until 5:45.
  13. Get home at 7:15.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully wasted five hours of your life that you will never, ever see again, in thirteen easy steps. You could have been at home consoling your friend who was rather depressed all day, but no. You’re an ass like that.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.13 @ 06:37 AM

Ow

[ rakaur on Wed Apr 06 at 04:16 PM // category: eawr, life, running, school ]

This point has one and only one purpose in life: to articulate just how badly my legs hurt.

This isn’t even funny. The workout today was nothing, and my legs hurt so badly that I was actually crying in pain a moment ago. I was okay Monday. After Tuesday’s race I felt fine; however, I woke up at 4am because my legs hurt so bad, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. Today, after the shitty little “practice” we did, I hurt so bad that I don’t think I can run at all tomorrow.

Jesus Mother of Fuck.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.06 @ 04:16 PM

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