school: August 2005 archives
The Way You Wish I Was
[ rakaur on Mon Aug 29 at 11:53 PM // category: lccc, life, nikki, relationships, school ]
I wish I had more to talk about on here… I miss writing (not so much now that I’m in a writing class… which is the worst class ever).
Haven’t had much work now that school’s in. The theater is very seasonal, and is only open half the time while school’s in, so I get less than half the hours, so less than half the pay I’m used to. I’m looking for another job to supplement this. So, I’ll be working two jobs, and going to school full time. Good times.
Another thing about school… I wish I knew what I was there for. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I find a lot of things interesting, but nothing enough to spend my life doing.
Speaking of spending my life doing things… my girlfriend and I are getting pretty serious. We’ve only been together seven weeks, and I know it’s crazy, but I quite thoroughly love her. I didn’t think I would at first… and I kept myself from falling for her really quickly because it’s screwed me over so many times in the past. I took my feelings slow with her… and I think it might be for real. It’s causing me quite a delimma though.
You see, I figured I’d be alone for, you know, ever. And, as such, I’ve envisioned my future alone. No girlfriend, certianly no wife, family, etc. Nikki wants all of these things. Marriage, kids, the American family. I generally hate everything about that picture. I was raised in that enviornment… and I hated it. We as a society have some strange conceptions about how things should be for everyone, and people take it for granted, and I hate that. I hate the idea of not questioning how things should be. Why should I get married? Yeah, I love her, and I want to spend time with her, but what’s a piece of paper matter? I think for her it’s more of a religious thing, and she wants me to be religious… but I’m not, and I never will be. That’s just who I am. No matter how much I love her, I can’t just start being hardcore Luthern. I don’t care what she believes in, that’s her business, but she seems to think that if I don’t start being religious then our relationship isn’t going to last. That’s a shame. I’d do anything to keep that from happening, and to keep us together… but I can’t change my fundamental beliefs just because she wants me to. It just doesn’t work that way.
I’m a questioning, anti-conformist, anti-sheep. I hate society because they all act the same. I’m a hardcore think-for-yourself person. She’s not. She’s a believe-everything-that’s-been-fed-to-me person. Those two tend to clash. I love her. If it turns out, down the road, that we’re still together and marriage is a viable option, I’d do it. I’d even have a religious wedding, to appease her and her family. However, I wouldn’t suddenly want a religious family and lots of kids. That’s not me. These things are fundamental differences between us, and we can’t ignore them forever. Eventually, sooner or later, they’re going to come back and it’s going to end badly, and that’s the last thing I want. I can’t lose her, but I can’t change my entire personality to stay with her. If we love each other, we’ll find a way. If she values her religion over our relationship, she’ll break up with me, some day.
I love her. I won’t lose her over something as stupid as religion. I’m tolerant of her beliefs. I don’t think she is of mine (or my lack thereof). The ball’s in her court. I don’t care what she believes in, so long as she doesn’t try to force it on me. I wouldn’t do that, and I can only hope she won’t.
I guess we’ll see.
-- rakaur // 2005.08.29 @ 11:53 PM
Welcome to Junior High
[ rakaur on Fri Aug 26 at 03:43 PM // category: lccc, school ]
College sucks.
Conceptual Physics (PHYS 131)
Boring. Despite the fact that I had three years of Physics in high school, my adviser felt it necessary to put me in the lowest Physics class possible. I swear to god I learned this shit my freshman year of high school. A few days ago he talked about inertia for 25 minutes, so I went to sleep. When I woke up half an hour later, he was still talking about inertia, and continued to do so until the end of the class. Holy fuck.
General Psychology (PSYC 131)
This class would be interesting if the instructor wasn’t a huge bitch. I’ve had it for a week now, and I don’t know anything more about Psychology than I did when I was born. So, I’ve actually become dumber.
College English (ENGL 131)
Oh god. The professor (the only one I have that actually holds a doctorate) is from fucking Zimbabwe or something. He seems like a good enough guy, it’s just that… why, oh why is an English-as-a-second-language guy teaching English to Americans? Wait… don’t answer that.
Intermediate Algebra (MATH 116)
I placed into College Math (Math 131), but once again my mildly retarded adviser put me down a step. Wednesday he assigned like 150 problems, and they were all so stupid that I did half of them in like three minutes and wrote “I refuse to do the rest of these on the basis that they’re retarded” on the bottom of my paper and went to sleep.
College sucks.
-- rakaur // 2005.08.26 @ 03:43 PM
Skewl
[ rakaur on Sun Aug 21 at 02:04 PM // category: lccc, school ]
Fuck, I have class tomorrow.
-- rakaur // 2005.08.21 @ 02:04 PM
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