Recently in nikki Category


Press Hard

[ rakaur on Mon Aug 28 at 12:30 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

So, I’m pretty sure I’m going to slowly formulate a plan to murder my girlfriend’s mother.

The deal is, I tried to get Nikki and her biological sister, Kelsey, together and get close and be sisters. Well, trying to do the right thing was apparently bad, and got me in a whole lot of trouble. Nikki doesn’t want to deal with that part of her family, and Kelsey really does want a sister, but I think more and more doesn’t want it to be Nikki. Nikki’s mother has also brainwashed her into thinking that she can have absolutely no contact with her actual family, because you know, that makes sense.

So, Nikki calls her up and tries to talk to her about it, only to get yelled at for making contact with someone she didn’t approve of in triplicate. She tells Nikki she’s “going to have a talk with [me]” because “that is none of [my] business.”

Excuse me? I swear to god, if the woman tries to tell me who I can and cannot talk to, that is the end of it for her and me. I have no business trying to get two sisters to love each other? Yeah, excuse the fuck out of me. She may be able to control every aspect of Nikki’s life, but she has no business telling me what to do, or telling me who I can and cannot be friends with.

She can lick my big hairy fucking balls, is exactly what she can do.

-- rakaur // 2006.08.28 @ 12:30 PM

On Site Issues and Past Bloggage

[ rakaur on Thu Mar 23 at 03:13 PM // category: apple, hardware, life, nikki, relationships, technology, unix ]

Ok, so, apparently there’s a markdown script for Python now. So no more ghetto PHP shit. Yay. Site should be way faster now.

These are posts I wrote in a text file while cyndane was down. Start at the bottom.

I’m so fucking sick of portage. Every time I try to do any updates, I get shit about “ARRRR ALL PACKAGES ARE MASKED!!!!” or retarded stuff like “PLEASE UPGRADE YOUR PACKAGE TO USE TOOLCHAIN.BLAH.BLAH.” What the fuck does that even mean? Seriously? If I ask anyone I get told to go to the forums and RTFM, but why should I have too? Shouldn’t this shit be working by now? How old is Gentoo again? You would think by this time they’d manage to break portage only ever other sync.

I’m sick, sick, sick to death of having to tweak every little thing, every file in /etc/portage/ every time I want to add a new package. I’m sick of hearing people telling me to stop using Gentoo, “switch to Distribution X!” Yeah, because that’ll be any better. I used Red Hat, sucked. I used Mandrake, sucked. I used SuSE, sucked. I used Slackware, sucked. I used Debian, sucked marginally less. Come to think of it, isn’t nVidia making FreeBSD drivers these days? Probably not for AMD64 though. They can’t please everyone, I guess. I refuse to use Windows, and I’m sick and tired of the file-editing-hell that is Linux.

Something tells me I’m going to be using my new laptop for a lot more than school. It makes me want to buy an iMac right now, but alas, I am poor. I’ll be paying off the laptop for two years as it is.

What the hell is wrong with guys? What makes us despise the other men our women have slept with? Why is it that we can sleep with as many girls as we want and it’s not a big deal, but when a girl sleeps with a guy it’s a point against her?

I honestly don’t think this way. I honestly don’t believe in the double standard. It’s stupid. If guys are allowed to fuck every girl they see and get away with it, then girls are allowed to fuck every guy they see and get away with it. In my mind, that’s how it should work.

But then, I don’t really believe that. That’s how I know it should be, but I still get upset when I think about my girlfriend’s past. She’s been with four guys, including me, and she’s 17. One of them was a one night stand with a stranger that got her pregnant. I know, it sounds pretty horrible, but if you knew the whole story it’s not so bad. But I still find myself thinking about it, and finding it hard to accept. When I think about the guys being with her, it just makes me want to kill them. I don’t understand why. Why do I think like this? If it was a 17 year old guy that had done four chicks he’d be famous, but why do I think like this? I know truly that the double standard is bullshit, but I still can’t help thinking this way. I know she was taken advantage of in two of the four situations, and the other two were out of love (even if a bit young to be doing so), but I still find myself having problems accepting it from time to time.

Do women think like this? Is it a turn off when you know a guy has been with a bunch of different women, or is it just something guys do, and that’s it? Does it matter if he’s just having one night stands with all of them or if he was involved with all of them? Is it just the same all around? Is a guy considered “damaged” if he sleeps around? Why are girls? Is it the physical part of being “used” because they get a dick in them? Is it the physical part of being stretched out from having sex or becoming loose or something else? Why is it okay for guys to have sex as often as they want with as many people as they want but when women have sex it’s dirty and they should be ashamed or else they’re skanks?

We have great sex. I mean, it’s really, really good, and we both enjoy it very much. But if I think of her for one second enjoying it with someone else, past present or future, it makes me sick.

I just don’t understand why I still feel like this.

So I’ve gotten in quite a bit of my orders from my loan. Half of my Apple Store order has come in (none of it useful). The iPod and backpack are both here, but obviously neither one is really useful to me until I get the MBP itself. The MBP and the extra battery have gone further into shipping delay hell, but I expected as much. It’s gone from an estimated shipping date of the 17th to the 27th. Good luck, I guess.

My new wireless router from NewEgg also came in. It’s a Netgear, WPN824. I went with Netgear this time because my Linksys turned out to be a giant piece of shit. The DHCP server on the thing never once worked. The wireless cut in and out constantly, and it would just randomly not do anything. That’s why I had cyndane doing my routing and just used the Linksys as a switch and WAP. This thing’s pretty nice though. It supposedly boosts range considerably, but I haven’t noticed anything. It’s about the same on my mom’s computer as it was with the Linksys, and I haven’t had a chance to test the range outside of my house. I’m hoping that it will be good enough so that I can sit in my backyard when it gets warm and do school work, etc. The one thing I’ve always hated about computers is that I have to be inside to use them, and I love being outside.

It’s got some nifty routing things, and you can even reserve IP addresses per MAC with the DHCP server. It has a limit of 20 port fowarding entires. Why? That shit pisses me off. There’s absolutely no reason to have any limit on it whatsoever. The Linksys was worse, it was 10. I don’t think I’ll use 20, but it’ll probably be more than 10. It’s some bullshit. Kind of making it better, it supports UPnP port mapping. So, programs that know about UPnP, like Azureus, can map the ports automatically. I don’t believe there’s a limit on this. However, I doubt seriously there’s a lot of programs supporting UPnP out there. It’s not exactly an easy thing to just toss into a program.

Another thing are the lights. It has seven internal antennas, in a dome on the top. For some ungodly reason, they decided to put LEDs on them so you know when they’re active. Unfortunately, they change configurations a few hundred times per second, and these lights are really bright. Suffice it to say it’s always Christmas at my desk now.

Also, the thing was made out to be a little box by the Netgear pictures. I figured it was no bigger than my cable modem. So I get the thing and open the box, and it’s pretty fucking huge. It’s bigger than the Linksys. It’s nicer to look at, but still massive. Ah well, what can you do.

Now I have to wait another two weeks for my real toy.

Well snap, it wasn’t the PSU. I got another PSU in there and it still made the same sound. So I got a little closer and determined it was the case fan. So I took that out and put the other PSU back in, and it started making the sound again! Somehow it burned out both fans.

Anyway, I turn it on and it won’t boot. After some fscking around, it’s pretty clear the drive is also dead. Jesus Christ, what else on this thing bit the dust? So now I have another hard drive coming, and I’ll have to reinstall FreeBSD before anything’s back up. It was my server/router/firewall, but since its death my new wireless router came in, and it has NAT/SPI, so I don’t have to worry about using cyndane to do that now. So all it’s missing is my server stuff (web, svn, XMPP, mail…). I guess I’ll take this opportunity to throw FreeBSD 6 on it. I never upgraded from 4 to 5 because I never liked 5. Hopefully 6 doesn’t suck.

So, apparently I’m screwed. There was a storm, and it fried cyndane’s PSU. I don’t know why. I have a rather expensive surge protector, and a power regulator, and everything else attached to the strip is fine, but not cyndane! When I turn it on it makes this horrible whirring sound like the fan is stuck.

So, I took it apart. The fan is almost impossible to move with my fingers, so there’s something fucked up with it. Guess I need a new PSU.

-- rakaur // 2006.03.23 @ 03:13 PM

On School, Mac & Love

[ rakaur on Tue Feb 28 at 03:18 PM // category: apple, hardware, life, nikki, relationships, school, siue, software, technology ]

So, I fucking hate my new college, and I’m not even there yet.

I applied on January 9th (no Shostakovich jokes, please) and as of yesterday I hadn’t heard anything back. So I called, and some woman answers “SIU Edwardsville.” I say “I have a question about admissions” and she says “ok” and suddenly the phone starts ringing again. Gosh, thanks for letting me know you were going to transfer me. It rang for a solid two minutes, then someone else answers “SIU Edwardsville.” So, once again “I have a question about admissions” and at least this time I get an “ok let me transfer you to admissions.” Phone rings there for about 30 seconds until I finally get to someone that can help me.

“Yes, I see that your check has cleared. However, we never got a copy of your transcript from Lewis and Clark. We assumed you were currently enrolled.” No one fucking told me I had to go do that, I figured for $30 they could request it themselves, but no. So my application has just been sitting there for two months. So, now I have to go to Godfrey and pay them to send a transcript. Fucking assholes. I told the lady “for $30 you should be able to do that yourselves” and she says “sorry, send it” and hung up on me.

Good times.

Also, I’m going to have to take out like a $2,650, four year loan or something, just to buy shit for school. Since I have to spend a shitload of money anyway, I figured best thing to do is get a laptop (excuse me, notebook). So I looked for the thinnest, lightest, longest battery life notebooks I could find, and came up with Sony VIAOs, which are like $2k. I poked around for a few hours trying to find other solutions, but they’re all around $2k, give or take a few hundred dollars. So, I think to myself “fuck it, I’m getting a Mac.” So I go look up the new MacBook Pros. They’re pretty sexy. A MacBook Pro, plus extra battery and a backpack that will carry it is going to run like $2.2k. Same as any other notebook coming close to the specifications I need. So, why not? Why get a Sony VIAO and live with the giant piece of crap known as the Windows Desktop Experience? If I do that, I’ll use Windows XP and Office 2003, which suck. They both suck. The constant crashing and stupid buggy crap will drive me just about batshit crazy. So, if I wipe it and throw some Linux distro on there I’ll have to suffer through the Linux Desktop Configuration File Experience, and I am just about sick, sick, sick to death of that shit. Trying for hours just to get X Windows working, and good fucking luck with sound. Why should I even have to think about shit like that? Isn’t this a “modern” operating system? And if I do that I’ll be using OpenOffice, which leaves a whole lot to be desired. I’d probably end up writing most of my shit in vi and pasting it into OO. So why not just get a slick MacBook with Mac OS X? Apple’s software is way more minimalist and simple than Microsoft’s piles of shit. I’ve been wanting one anyway, so, there.

Good times.

I had a nice long talk with Nikki last night, about her past. I only knew half of it, and half of it was a big lie. Every now and then it’d get to me, and get me kind of depressed. Some of the shit is hard to accept. After talking to her, though, from start to finish, with the whole truth, it’s not so bad. I feel a lot better about everything, and so does she, and we’re even closer than we were before. More and more, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her. It’s only been eight months, but people have gotten married in less. I swore up and down I’d never do it, but I can’t see myself without her. I really do love her.

Good times.

-- rakaur // 2006.02.28 @ 03:18 PM

And My Soul From Out That Shadow

[ rakaur on Wed Feb 22 at 12:20 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

It’s been a while since I’ve been at this screen.

Been pretty busy. I’m at work a lot, which is pretty much 80% of my time. I don’t even have the energy to bitch about it anymore. I do more than most people there, and I get paid the same. It sucks. Bitch bitch, etc.

When I’m not at work, I try to be with my girlfriend as much as possible. As of 6:15 Tuesday night, she’s no longer pregnant. I haven’t seen her since Sunday, but I talk to her on the phone. Her parents won’t let me come to the hospital. So far as I can tell she’s holding up extremely well for someone in her position. Probably better than I am. I’m so worried she’s not going to be able to make it through this, and I can’t lose her. She called me at 3:00 last night, pretty depressed about things. But on the whole, she’s holding up very well. It’s a boy.

I don’t know, I think I’m just worried that everything is going to change. Everyone’s telling me that she doesn’t need me anymore so she’s going to break up with me, which I highly doubt is the case. But you know me, absolutely no self-esteem even though I really should because there’s no reason for me not to.

Last night I was seriously just walking around my room at midnight, laughing and crying in a very weird sort of way. I was pretty sure I went bonkers there for a while. I went to bed Monday night and I was fine, woke up Tuesday morning and I had a fever and couldn’t talk. I felt like I’d drank an entire keg. I’m still sick today, but no fever. I don’t know what’s up with that. I’m tending to think it’s all in my head, and it’s just this situation making me sick.

It’s kind of funny. I thought she needed me to get through this, not the other way around.

-- rakaur // 2006.02.22 @ 12:20 PM

No Blog for Time

[ rakaur on Tue Oct 18 at 11:02 PM // category: eastgate, games, lccc, life, nikki, relationships, school, technology, work ]

Let me apologize to my ~0 readers about the lack of updates. No, wait, never mind.

I’ve been busy. School full time plus work part time plus pregnant girlfriend amounts to about a 130% demand on my time. My schedule goes something like this:

Yeah, kind of sucks. When I actually have free time it’s mostly spent playing games. Which brings me to my next point.

So, Doom 3 sucks. It’s interesting for about two minutes, scary the first three times Monster X jumps out from Dark Place Y in Dark Hallway Z, and then pretty much boring. Dark hallways, stupid monsters, stupid plot, stupid levels. I can tell Carmack picked up on Halo’s policy of “instead of making interesting mission objectives, we’ll just make one that’s like ‘find the flashlight’ and make a maze of a level so that they have to wander around for ~24 days until they find the super secret spot.” Asshole. Goldeneye and other 007 games are the only ones I’ve ever played that actually have fun mission objectives that consist of more than “find this one spot in this one map.”

Yeah I was going to make this longer but I’m bored with it now.

-- rakaur // 2005.10.18 @ 11:02 PM

The Way You Wish I Was

[ rakaur on Mon Aug 29 at 11:53 PM // category: lccc, life, nikki, relationships, school ]

I wish I had more to talk about on here… I miss writing (not so much now that I’m in a writing class… which is the worst class ever).

Haven’t had much work now that school’s in. The theater is very seasonal, and is only open half the time while school’s in, so I get less than half the hours, so less than half the pay I’m used to. I’m looking for another job to supplement this. So, I’ll be working two jobs, and going to school full time. Good times.

Another thing about school… I wish I knew what I was there for. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I find a lot of things interesting, but nothing enough to spend my life doing.

Speaking of spending my life doing things… my girlfriend and I are getting pretty serious. We’ve only been together seven weeks, and I know it’s crazy, but I quite thoroughly love her. I didn’t think I would at first… and I kept myself from falling for her really quickly because it’s screwed me over so many times in the past. I took my feelings slow with her… and I think it might be for real. It’s causing me quite a delimma though.

You see, I figured I’d be alone for, you know, ever. And, as such, I’ve envisioned my future alone. No girlfriend, certianly no wife, family, etc. Nikki wants all of these things. Marriage, kids, the American family. I generally hate everything about that picture. I was raised in that enviornment… and I hated it. We as a society have some strange conceptions about how things should be for everyone, and people take it for granted, and I hate that. I hate the idea of not questioning how things should be. Why should I get married? Yeah, I love her, and I want to spend time with her, but what’s a piece of paper matter? I think for her it’s more of a religious thing, and she wants me to be religious… but I’m not, and I never will be. That’s just who I am. No matter how much I love her, I can’t just start being hardcore Luthern. I don’t care what she believes in, that’s her business, but she seems to think that if I don’t start being religious then our relationship isn’t going to last. That’s a shame. I’d do anything to keep that from happening, and to keep us together… but I can’t change my fundamental beliefs just because she wants me to. It just doesn’t work that way.

I’m a questioning, anti-conformist, anti-sheep. I hate society because they all act the same. I’m a hardcore think-for-yourself person. She’s not. She’s a believe-everything-that’s-been-fed-to-me person. Those two tend to clash. I love her. If it turns out, down the road, that we’re still together and marriage is a viable option, I’d do it. I’d even have a religious wedding, to appease her and her family. However, I wouldn’t suddenly want a religious family and lots of kids. That’s not me. These things are fundamental differences between us, and we can’t ignore them forever. Eventually, sooner or later, they’re going to come back and it’s going to end badly, and that’s the last thing I want. I can’t lose her, but I can’t change my entire personality to stay with her. If we love each other, we’ll find a way. If she values her religion over our relationship, she’ll break up with me, some day.

I love her. I won’t lose her over something as stupid as religion. I’m tolerant of her beliefs. I don’t think she is of mine (or my lack thereof). The ball’s in her court. I don’t care what she believes in, so long as she doesn’t try to force it on me. I wouldn’t do that, and I can only hope she won’t.

I guess we’ll see.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.29 @ 11:53 PM

Can You Hear Me Now?

[ rakaur on Sun Aug 14 at 11:12 PM // category: hardware, kori, life, nikki, relationships, technology ]

It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything that my administration page wasn’t even in my address list anymore.

That’s a long time.

So, Nikki’s back home. I, well, a few people convinced her that going home would be best. So, I drove her home, and met her parents. They apparently like me. I’m not sure I quite understand. Her mom’s lightening up a little bit, and I’m not sure her dad was ever mad at her. She got back my necklace and the first present I bought her from her mom, so things are looking good for her, which is, you know, good.

I’m starting school soon. Not really too thrilled with the idea. Though, it seems I’ll make a profit going to college. I’m not quite sure how much yet, but it’s at least $1,200. On my award letter they also had “work study” which was like $2,200, but I don’t know anything about that. If I get that back too it’d be $3,400… which would be awesome. Either way, I’m building a new computer. And I’m getting this. I don’t give a shit how expensive it is, I want it. I’ve wanted one forever, and I’d like to reclaim my desk, thank you very much. But anyway, at least $1,200 and a new computer, which is, you know, good.

One of my old friends has gotten in contact with me. We’re not nearly as close as we used to be, and I don’t think we’ll ever be, but talking to someone that I haven’t heard from in a long time is, you know, good.

Life is going well right now, which is, you know, good.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.14 @ 11:12 PM

Better Than I've Ever Been

[ rakaur on Thu Aug 04 at 11:58 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

Oh man, lots to talk about.

Well, she ran away. I went and picked her up, violating several laws. She stayed at my house a few days, but my mom put a stop to that. A friend from work took her in, and she’s been staying there off and on and bouncing between a few other people. The police contacted me (found my cell number in her room) and we talked. Her sister contacted me and we talked. I got her to call the police so they know she’s okay, and she talked to her sister who seemed concerned. She also talked to her mother, who just started yelling at her as soon as she picked up. I think she made the right decision to stay away. She’s planning to hang until she’s 17 (December 30th) and then start the emancipation process.

I don’t have much time online anymore. All I do mostly is work or hang out with Nikki. I haven’t seen any of my friends for some time. Caleb’s been gone for two weeks, and Matt’s leaving soon.

It’s been a long time, but I really have nothing else to say.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.04 @ 11:58 PM

Not So Extra

[ rakaur on Thu Jul 28 at 12:16 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

Well, I knew it’d be hard going into it, but I never thought it’d be this hard. Her parents have pretty much kicked her out of the house, and I don’t know what to do.

Here’s the story. She was off work at six last night, but wrote 7:15 on her schedule at home and told her parents she’d call them when she was off. So, I took her to my house and we hung out for a while. When we got back to work her dad was there, so we pulled around the side and I went in the front and ran to the back to let her in. Unfortunately, by the time I got there she was barely through the door before her dad pulled up behind her and started yelling. They drove off. She didn’t show up at the usual spot at the usual time for me to pick her up that night.

She called me about fifteen minutes ago. Her parents are supposedly going to call family services, and she’s considering “leaving.” I told her if she left to come to my house. I don’t know how I could ever support a pregnant girlfriend, or how my mom would react, or how anything would work. I don’t care… I’ll figure it out somehow. We’ll get through it somehow.

Kori, I was surprised by your comment… and by the fact that you still bother to read anything I write. I appreciate your insightful feedback, and I’d like to see some more of it, because frankly…

I don’t know what to do.

-- rakaur // 2005.07.28 @ 12:16 PM

Extra Extra

[ rakaur on Sat Jul 23 at 04:28 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

I’m happy.

-- rakaur // 2005.07.23 @ 04:28 PM

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