kori: April 2005 archives


What Dreams May Come

[ rakaur on Fri Apr 29 at 12:54 PM // category: kori, life, music, relationships ]

The last few nights I’ve been dreaming. That’s unusual in itself, though, because I hardly ever remember my dreams. Kori’s in all of them. The first few were reminders to how much she hates me now. Last night was the worst one though; she started talking to me again. Things weren’t all right, but they were at least on the right track. Too bad I woke up.

I’m finding myself becoming more and more cynical. Things people do that never bothered me before now ride my nerves. I never used to give what people do while driving a second thought, but now every little thing bothers me. I also seriously wonder if I’m going to make it through my Sociology class without doing something stupid. I’ve talked about the people in there before. I mean, I can tolerate stupid people for so long. All smart people can. The thing is, tolerance runs out, but stupid people never run out of stupid. It’s an endless abyss from which they’ll never, ever escape, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I’ll be sitting there, look across the room, and watch some stupid person be marvelled over some stupid thing, most likely a shiny object. Recently, I’ve had to mentally resist the instinct-like urge to go over and bludgeon their faces into their desks.

I don’t think losing my friends is helping. I keep telling myself I don’t need them, because they’re assholes anyway. I keep telling myself I don’t need friends because they’re just a distraction. I keep telling myself emotions are stupid and serve no purpose so there’s no reason to be upset over them. Call me crazy, but that’s pretty cynical.

To quote Evanescence:

Crawling through this world while disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can’t go on like this
I loathe all I’ve become

-- rakaur // 2005.04.29 @ 12:54 PM

Clowns to the Left of Me

[ rakaur on Sat Apr 23 at 07:44 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

Photography. It also seems that Harrison might have fixed my camera… if he ever puts it back together.

So I got up at six, left at seven, spent twelve hours in Sparta, and now I’m back. What a spectacular waste of twelve hours. It was track. It was cold. It was windy. I spent most of the trip either sleeping, listening to music to drown out the morons, sleeping to drown out the morons, or listening to music to drown out the morons while trying to sleep. I think, however, I may have had an epiphany.

I think, maybe Tesla was right. Maybe friendships and emotions and all of that jazz only serve as a distraction.

No, I don’t really believe that. I think friendships are part of life, and should be experienced fully. Unfortunately, in my case, I seem to experence little friendship, and a lot of losing it. Maybe, I’m not meant to have friends. I mean, as an INTP, my least developed personality trait is emotions. Feelings. I don’t get them. I don’t think most people get them, but I really don’t get them. After a painful eighteen years trying to lead healthy (friend|relation)ships, and utterly failing, I’m starting to think just maybe it’s not part of who I am. Maybe I have a complete inability to lead a successful relationship.

I mean, why not? Some people can draw, others can’t. Some people can interact with others, some can’t. What’s the difference? I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, but I seem to want to make damn sure I stay that way. I’m insanely upset over having lost a good… no, my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding, but just maybe… I don’t know. I’ve always known I’m not a people person. While I sat against the wall listening to music, I watched everyone gather in a circle and talk about things and play games, and I had absolutely no want or inclination to join them. I just sat there against the wall, alone, listening to music, while my team mates made the best of a bad day. I always sit alone on the bus, too. Sometimes I’d like to take part in one of the conversations, but I know no one really wants to listen to anything I have to say, so I’ll just get pissed off when I’m talking and no one listens (another INTP trait).

Another observation I made today astounds me. I have to wonder, how and why so flabbergastingly stupid people have such success in social situations. Although they utterly fail to grasp even the most basic concepts of social rules, they still succeed in social situations. Not only that, but they’re viewed as “outspoken” and “friendly.” I fail to see how shitting your pants on the bus, rubbing your ass (and other parts) on people you don’t know, and being mind-numbingly ugly makes you outspoken. I used to think, “man, society sure has my respect; it takes a lot of stamina and energy to successfully tolerate so many stupid people every day,” but then I realized the vast majority of society is composed of stupid people. I used to think I completely failed to understand society insomuch as that there are social rules, which appear to exist for the sole reason of doing anything in a social situation except for following social rules. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, or better than society (because clearly, society works, so it must just be me), but, Jesus Mother of Fuck, people are stupid.

I’m going to die alone.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.23 @ 07:44 PM

KORI

[ rakaur on Fri Apr 22 at 08:04 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Kori, if we’re going to fix this, we have to do it, now. If you’re going to hate me forever because of one fight, then I guess our friendship isn’t worth saving to you. I guess I had a lot more invested in it than you did.

There’s no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow, so let’s make today the best that we can.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.22 @ 08:04 PM

Your Winter

[ rakaur on Thu Apr 21 at 07:39 AM // category: kori, life, music, relationships ]

The grey ceiling on the earth
Well it’s lasted for a while
Take my thoughts for what they’re worth
I’ve been acting like a child
And your opinion, what is that?
It’s just a different point of view

What else can I do?
I said I’m sorry, yeah I’m sorry
I said I’m sorry, but what for?
If I hurt you, then I hate myself
I don’t want to hate myself, don’t want to hurt you

Why do you chew your pain?
If you only knew how much I love you

I won’t be your winter
I won’t anyone’s excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

The old picture on the shelf
It’s been there for a while
A frozen image of ourselves
We were acting like a child
Innocent, and in a trance
A dance that lasted for a while

You read my eyes just like your diary
Oh remember, please remember
Well I’m not a beggar, but what’s more?
If i hurt you, then I hate myself
I don’t want to hate myself, don’t want to hurt you

Why do you chew that pain?
If you only knew how much I love you

I won’t be your winter
I won’t be anyone’s excuse to cry
We can be forgiven
I will be here

-- rakaur // 2005.04.21 @ 07:39 AM

KORI

[ rakaur on Wed Apr 20 at 06:19 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Kori, would you just freaking call me or talk to me on AIM or something, and at least give me a chance to talk? You’ve indicted, tried, and convicted me without letting me defend myself. Come on, this is a friendship, not Soviet Russia.

Yes, I care about you more than I should, but I never, ever acted on anything. I had a crush on you, that’s it. I mean, I told Chris that a long time ago, it was no big deal, because I know we’re just friends. I was your friend and nothing more. I was involved because you were hurt, and that hurt me. My blog is here so I can write out what I feel, because that helps me sort through my feelings. I write what I think. So, I guess, if you want to hate me for thinking something, then whatever.

Yeah, I “gave him the site.” It is, you know, on the Internet, available to anyone. I strongly oppose censorship, and I’ve always been an open and straight-forward person, so why wouldn’t I give him the site? Most people think bad things about people and don’t say them, just because I did say them makes me somehow evil? No, I don’t think so. Society tends to disagree with me, so, some you lose.

Yeah, some of the things I wrote made him “sound bad.” I was angry. You were angry too. I never pretended to understand, but does lack of understanding exclude me from having an opinion? I guess so.

You know I didn’t do anything to try to split you guys up. I never once said a bad thing about him to you, even when you were pissed at him. I kept my opinions to myself. I don’t remember coming over to your house, typing in my Website’s address, and prying your eyes open forcing you to read my opinions.

If you don’t remember me mentioning “my ex used to draw wacky shit like that” when you were showing me your drawings, then, what can I tell you? I know I mentioned it, on multiple occasions. If you really want, I can get her to talk to you on AIM to prove it.

Yes, I write about you a lot. You’re my friend; and, what the hell do I have in my life, other than my friends? You are… were… the only close friend I had. At least, I thought we were close friends.

Losing you as a friend would really hurt, and I don’t want that. Please, for the sake of our friendship, just give me a chance to talk.

That’s all I want.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.20 @ 06:19 PM

And I Said, "Jesus Mother of Fuck"

[ rakaur on Tue Apr 19 at 09:33 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Okay, this one will probably dig myself a deeper grave, but I really need to write it at this point.

So, here’s the deal. Not only you, but now your boyfriend (whom, a few days ago if I recall correctly, you were hoping to see burn in hell) are both yelling at me over stupid, stupid shit. So here’s how it goes:

  1. You’re pissed/weirded out/whatever about a post a few days ago. I’m slightly worried that you may have misunderstood, so I try to straighten it out.
  2. You call that a lie, and freak out even more, thinking I’m lying to your boyfriend to cover myself. When, in reality, I was only telling him because he was talking to you since you won’t talk to me.
  3. Your boyfriend reads my site, happens to find the post from Friday where I was rather not pleased with him (and neither were you, but I suppose it’s hard to think back that far at this point?) and I wrote some rather unbecoming things about him. You said some of the same things Friday, so why am I taking so much heat for being upset that you were upset? Sorry for caring, I guess. I was mad at him, so were you, we both said things. The difference is, I said them on a medium where they’re recorded forever, not gone with the wind.
  4. I have to post all this bullshit to my public Website, because neither of you are mature enough to try and fix this huge misunderstanding. I don’t understand what’s so incredibly hard about just talking to me about it. No, both of you just sign on and off AIM leaving me nasty messages and leaving nasty messages on my Website.

I know I’ve mentioned Ria to you before: when you showed me your drawings I said my ex used to draw all kinds of wacky shit like that, so there goes your “you’re lying” thoery.

You know Kori, I figured at this point in a friendship there’d be enough commitment to try and sort out things like these in a mature manner. This is the last time I try to fix this, because you don’t seem to want it fixed; and, quite frankly, I’m tried of trying to fix a stupid misunderstanding when you don’t seem willing to even talk it out like a reasonable person.

We’ve never had so much as a disagreement, and now you want to throw out our entire friendship based on the possibility that I might have said “I like Kori” and then lied about it? Even though that’s clearly not the case, what’s up with that? I’ve been nothing but a caring friend to you, and you go and pull a stunt like this. I don’t know whether to be upset that I may have lost a friend, depressed that I may have upset you, or pissed off because this whole thing is over something so insanely trivial and you’ve turned it into this huge melodrama mountain. I’ve expressed my grief over the former two, and this post is expressing the latter.

I’m not trying to piss anyone off, I’m trying to say how they are as I see them. If you disagree, and think I’m lying, fine. I’m not going to try and prove myself. I shouldn’t have to, and you damn well know it.

I hope I don’t have to post this. I really, really hope that you’ll see that you’re ending our friendship on a stupid “might be.”

Fourteen hours later, I see that it was too much to hope for.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.19 @ 09:33 PM

KORI

[ rakaur on Mon Apr 18 at 09:50 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Kori, if you’re reading this, please give me a chance to explain. I swear I’ve mentioned Ria to you before, probably in a rather bad light.

I don’t know that I have a whole lot of chance of convincing you, because the way my luck runs the only close friend I have would decide to start hating me based on something that’s been misinterpreted.

Please leave a comment after you’ve read this, or something, because posting this all over the place for everyone I know to come and read and incessantly badger me about is not my first choice, but if that’s what it takes…

Please, Kori.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.18 @ 09:50 PM

Here There Be Dragons

[ rakaur on Mon Apr 18 at 06:22 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Haha! Please ignore the two former posts. They were made by a mad man.

No, really, I was pretty pissed off at everything when I posted both of those. Unfortunately, the damage appears to have been done, which is probably what I wanted, because I’m a retard.

No, please, I’m begging you, ignore them. Either ignore them, or talk to me about them so I can explain myself.

Oh snap.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.18 @ 06:22 PM

Apologies, From Your Car Floor

[ rakaur on Mon Apr 18 at 07:34 AM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

I am a horrible person.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.18 @ 07:34 AM

Next Stop, Hermit City

[ rakaur on Sun Apr 17 at 10:40 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Fuck, I hate girls.

I mean, I can understand the fundamental concepts of how the universe works, but girls? Fuck no. I swear to god I’d do anything for one and that one would turn around and take a nice steamy shit on my face right afterwards.

Anytime I actually develop a healthy friendship I get way too attached and it ends up fucking over the entire relationship. I’m so fucking depraved I’d fall in love with a rock if the rain hit it in such a way that it appeared to be crying. I always think “Gee, it’d sure be nice to have a girlfriend.” Apparently I don’t know the difference between “friend” and “girlfriend” because… well, I was going somewhere with this but fuck if I remember. Just suffice it to say I’ll never have a successful relationship.

It’s nice to have close friends, but I don’t know how to have a close friend without becoming too attached apparently. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just stop talking to her? Stop all contact whatsoever? That’s hardly a solution, but what the fuck am I supposed to do? The more I see her the worse it gets and it’s not going to get magically better anytime soon. I’m such a god damn fuck up.

I’m going to be alone for fucking ever.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.17 @ 10:40 PM

1600m Bullshit

[ rakaur on Sat Apr 16 at 10:14 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

First off, photography. Now on to the good stuff.

I’m… well, I’m actually not sure what I am.

At the meet today, I was over by the high jump when someone pointed out Kori walking across the field. So, I walk over to say hi, and she just starts crying and hugs me.

When I first pulled up to the meet, I thought I saw her (ex)boyfriend (see previous post) playing tennis with some girl. That girl turned out to be the one that’s tried to split them up in the past. And, to be completely honest with you, when Kori told me they broke up I figured “hey, you know what, I bet he just wants to pork that other girl,” but then I thought “nah, you know, Chris seems to be like a good guy.” Then, today she tells me that he initiated the breakup… so I don’t know what to think anymore.

So Kori shows up and sees them playing, and gets insanely upset. I walked around with her until I had to go run (which I’ll get to, but this is more important). I do know, that if he wants to split up with her just so he can get laid by some other (rather unattractive) girl, and then get back together, that’s just not cool at all. Kori loves him so much, you know, and is taking this so hard, and it hurts everyone (at least, her and me). He doesn’t seem to be having any difficulty with it whatsoever. And, judging by the way he refused to look at her when she tried to talk to him, and just went on playing tennis, it’s as if he’s just trying to drop her like a bad habit. Of course, I don’t know the whole story, but this is how it comes off to me.

I’ve never had anything against Chris, I always thought he was a really good guy, and Kori was happy, so I was happy. That, however, has changed. I don’t know what to think of him anymore, and I sure as hell know Kori isn’t happy anymore. I love her to death, and I hate seeing her like this. At this very moment, I wish I could just track her down and hug her forever.

I might care about her more than I should, but it’s better than caring about her less than I should.

Now, about the run. I had to run the 1600m (one mile) for the first time today. My PR was 6:42, which I thought was about right for me, ‘cause I suck. So, I was supposed to pace with this other kid on our team the whole time. He kept telling me the whole time to go ahead, and I kept telling him I was saving it for the fourth (final) lap, and the kids around us just kept looking at me like I was bullshitting it. So, it comes around to the fourth lap and I picked up the pace a bit, and passed a few kids. On the last 100 meters I started kicking (sprinting) and passed three or four kids, and tried to catch this Roxana kid that I beat in the 800m last time, but I missed him by a second or so. I wound up with 5:58.

At least something went well tonight.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.16 @ 10:14 PM

Want to Break Up? I'll Pick You Up At Eight

[ rakaur on Wed Apr 13 at 08:08 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

Remember me mentioning I’d start posting photography sites? Well, here you go. Man, I miss my camera.

But more importantly, I’m so insanely worried about Kori it’s depressing. So, the deal is, apparently her and her boyfriend “broke up.” I surround that word with quotations because they seem have a strange notion of how this whole break up business works. When she first told me, I figured “This won’t last too long, they’re both insanely crazy about each other.” Normally, when two people break up (or separate/go on a break), they don’t talk to or see each other often. Kori and Chris both plan on getting back together. So, after they “broke up,” it seems they’ve talked every day, and seen each other, and plan on seeing a movie tomorrow.

Now, if you’re going to talk, and see each other, and go on dates, what would be the point in “breaking up”? Isn’t that… you know… a relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to criticize them: god knows I know absolutely dog-shit-nothing about relationships. I’m only trying to understand what they’re doing. Because, to me, it seems as if they’re saying they’re no longer together, while being together, but still making Kori cry about not being together. So the only difference, in essence, if you’re following me here, is that Kori is now crying, whereas before, she was not. That is to say, nothing has changed, except Kori crying. This is the only reason I’m even bothering to try to sort it out is because Kori is now crying. When I say “crying” throughout this paragraph, I mean generally depressed and upset. And, when Kori is generally depressed and upset for what, to me, appears to be a completely fatuous reason, I tend to get a little angry.

Now, this is going to get tricky, because, well, it’s pretty tricky, you know. As far as I’m concerned, Kori is the closest friend I have and she’d be the absolute first person I’d even remotely think about talking to in a situation such as this. However, she doesn’t seem to think so much of me as I’ve come to (painfully) realize. ‘Tis rather depressing. So, now you can understand why her being upset and crying for a mind-blowingly dumbass reason, which, to reiterate, appears to be no reason at all, would make me angry. That’s why it’s tricky. As far as I can tell, they’re not actually split up, but she’s still upset as if they were. Of course, I’m not getting the full story here, because no one ever tells me anything, so who knows; perhaps there actually is a beguiled reason for all of this to which I am completely oblivious.

So, to summarize: as far as I’m concerned, Kori is horribly depressed for no reason. This makes me mad, disgruntled, disappointed, depressed, frustrated, tumultuous, etc. I feel so anxious just sitting around, knowing that a few miles away she could be crying.

I care about her way too much, I think. Can’t be good, really.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.13 @ 08:08 PM

How To Waste Five Hours

[ rakaur on Wed Apr 13 at 06:37 AM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]

Got five hours to blow? Try this!

  1. Leave class at 2:15.
  2. Get dressed.
  3. Get on the bus at 2:20.
  4. Wait around for no apparent reason and finally leave at 2:50.
  5. Get to Red Bud at 4:00.
  6. Warm up, stretch and such at 4:10.
  7. Go back to the bus because of hail at 4:20.
  8. Go back to the track because of lack of hail at 4:25.
  9. Warm up, stretch and such at 4:30.
  10. Go back to the bus because of lightning at 4:35.
  11. Wait around for them to cancel the meet and finally leave at 5:00.
  12. Eat at Waterloo until 5:45.
  13. Get home at 7:15.

Congratulations! You’ve successfully wasted five hours of your life that you will never, ever see again, in thirteen easy steps. You could have been at home consoling your friend who was rather depressed all day, but no. You’re an ass like that.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.13 @ 06:37 AM

Oh Kori, Where Art Thou?

[ rakaur on Sat Apr 02 at 10:15 AM // category: kori, life, relationships ]

I’m insanely worried about Kori.

Yesterday morning she was upset because her and her boyfriend had had an argument over a reoccurring topic. Yesterday morning, however, she considered it an April Fool’s joke. Later that night I talked to her at a school function, and she said she had been crying, that it wasn’t an April Fool’s joke, and that she didn’t know if they were together or not anymore. I gave her a hug, sat by her, and tried to talk to her for a while. She said she’d talk to me after she got home. She never did.

This morning she got on AIM, and her away message was rather depressing (and also asked people not to talk to her… which somewhat defeats the purpose of IM). I’ve tried calling her, but no one answers.

I hope she’s all right.

-- rakaur // 2005.04.02 @ 10:15 AM

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