Recently in kori Category
The Dark Times
[ rakaur on Mon Jan 30 at 11:47 AM // category: kori, life, relationships // comments: 2 ]
I know I’ve been lacking in the blog department. I’ve been busy with my girlfriend, work, and I try to work on XMPPd in my spare time.
I got a message from our old friend Kori this morning, asking me why I had her pictures on my site. They were in the drop directory (the place where I throw shit for people to see) and I never removed them I guess. So I started wondering how she found them, as they’re not linked to from anywhere. So I went through my logs…
[29/Jan/2006:10:22:39 -0600] "GET /d/kori/ HTTP/1.1" 200 1078
"http://www.ericw.org/d/?C=S%3BO=A"
I couldn’t figure out where that URL came from, because it’s certainly not part of my site, and then I see…
[30/Jan/2006:10:43:27 -0600] "GET /d?C=S%3BO=A HTTP/1.1" 301 377
"http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=ericw.org+kori&fr=FP-tab-web-t-2&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8"
Upon taking a closer look, the referrer is from a Yahoo search for “ericw.org kori,” so someone was definitely poking around my site for one of the worst periods of my life. I can’t imagine why you would want to do this, but go ahead and use this search, as you get a lot more results. Google is your friend.
Kori, if it’s you, I can’t imagine why you’d want to revisit any of that. It still haunts me, and it makes me feel bad even now that you still think about it.
-- rakaur // 2006.01.30 @ 11:47 AM
Can You Hear Me Now?
[ rakaur on Sun Aug 14 at 11:12 PM // category: hardware, kori, life, nikki, relationships, technology ]
It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything that my administration page wasn’t even in my address list anymore.
That’s a long time.
So, Nikki’s back home. I, well, a few people convinced her that going home would be best. So, I drove her home, and met her parents. They apparently like me. I’m not sure I quite understand. Her mom’s lightening up a little bit, and I’m not sure her dad was ever mad at her. She got back my necklace and the first present I bought her from her mom, so things are looking good for her, which is, you know, good.
I’m starting school soon. Not really too thrilled with the idea. Though, it seems I’ll make a profit going to college. I’m not quite sure how much yet, but it’s at least $1,200. On my award letter they also had “work study” which was like $2,200, but I don’t know anything about that. If I get that back too it’d be $3,400… which would be awesome. Either way, I’m building a new computer. And I’m getting this. I don’t give a shit how expensive it is, I want it. I’ve wanted one forever, and I’d like to reclaim my desk, thank you very much. But anyway, at least $1,200 and a new computer, which is, you know, good.
One of my old friends has gotten in contact with me. We’re not nearly as close as we used to be, and I don’t think we’ll ever be, but talking to someone that I haven’t heard from in a long time is, you know, good.
Life is going well right now, which is, you know, good.
-- rakaur // 2005.08.14 @ 11:12 PM
The Days of Our Lives
[ rakaur on Sun Jun 19 at 09:42 AM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
I don’t understand it. I never had any real romantic interest in her. She thinks I did, so she hates me. But, Ed is so insanely googoo over her the entire planet knows, and she still talks to him.
I don’t understand why she won’t talk to me. Ed’s in love with her and she has no interest in him but they still talk. I’m not in love with her (but I do love her), but she thinks I am, and she doesn’t even say “good bye”? She just severs all communication? It’s been like three months…
She was the best friend I ever had. I miss her.
-- rakaur // 2005.06.19 @ 09:42 AM
All That You Can Do
[ rakaur on Wed May 11 at 03:53 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
Then why won’t you talk to me?
-- rakaur // 2005.05.11 @ 03:53 PM
College Dreams
[ rakaur on Fri May 06 at 06:10 PM // category: kori, lccc, life, relationships, school ]
So, I got scheduled for college. My schedule’s pretty cool. I only go three days a week and I get out at 12:50. Originally it was 11:50, but some you lose.
Monday, Wednesday, Friday, I have: Physics 130 (8:30 - 9:45), Psychology 131 (10:00 - 10:50), English 131 (11:00 - 11:50), Math 116 (12:00 - 12:50); and, instead of Physics 130 on Friday I have the Physics 130 Lab (8:00 - 9:50).
Not much to write about other than that. Haven’t been able to sleep well because of the dreams. I thought it’d get better eventually, but it just keeps getting worse. I passed her on the stairs today, and I could have sworn she said hello to me, but I know she didn’t. Some other people have been talking bad about her around me in my Sociology class. I guess they figure since she hates me I hate her and so I’ll gossip with them. I still find myself defending her, and even though she hates me, I have absolutely nothing bad to say about her.
I don’t know what anything means.
-- rakaur // 2005.05.06 @ 06:10 PM
Snap, Crackle, Pop
[ rakaur on Wed May 04 at 07:04 AM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
Man, that’s nearly a week straight. I rarely remember my dreams from one night a month, let alone a week straight.
I’m going to snap like a bowl of Rice Krispies.
-- rakaur // 2005.05.04 @ 07:04 AM
Improbability Drive
[ rakaur on Tue May 03 at 10:01 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
So, I keep having these dreams where Kori starts talking to me again. It’s not cool, at all.
I dread Algebra II every day. I hate seeing her. If I didn’t have to see her every day, I think I’d be okay, but seeing her being happy and laughing and vehemently hating me is a little rough. I’ve started thinking about skipping that class. I don’t know if I’ll make it two weeks without crying at some point. I’ve started slipping in that class again, too, because all I think about the whole time is how she hates me.
Then, on the other hand, my wacky sense of humor thinks it’s pretty funny that I lost my best friend over something that didn’t even happen. I guess it’s funny, in a “yeah, that’s how much the world hates me” way. It’s funny in a “that’s okay, I’ll release you from the contract, I have my lab, what could go wrong?” and then the lab burns down kind of way (Google “Nikola Tesla”).
Losing your bestfriend over something that doesn’t actually happen isn’t impossible, it’s just highly improbable.
Update: For those of you that didn’t get the last part there, it’s a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference.
-- rakaur // 2005.05.03 @ 10:01 PM
What Dreams May Come
[ rakaur on Fri Apr 29 at 12:54 PM // category: kori, life, music, relationships ]
The last few nights I’ve been dreaming. That’s unusual in itself, though, because I hardly ever remember my dreams. Kori’s in all of them. The first few were reminders to how much she hates me now. Last night was the worst one though; she started talking to me again. Things weren’t all right, but they were at least on the right track. Too bad I woke up.
I’m finding myself becoming more and more cynical. Things people do that never bothered me before now ride my nerves. I never used to give what people do while driving a second thought, but now every little thing bothers me. I also seriously wonder if I’m going to make it through my Sociology class without doing something stupid. I’ve talked about the people in there before. I mean, I can tolerate stupid people for so long. All smart people can. The thing is, tolerance runs out, but stupid people never run out of stupid. It’s an endless abyss from which they’ll never, ever escape, no matter how hard they try. Sometimes I’ll be sitting there, look across the room, and watch some stupid person be marvelled over some stupid thing, most likely a shiny object. Recently, I’ve had to mentally resist the instinct-like urge to go over and bludgeon their faces into their desks.
I don’t think losing my friends is helping. I keep telling myself I don’t need them, because they’re assholes anyway. I keep telling myself I don’t need friends because they’re just a distraction. I keep telling myself emotions are stupid and serve no purpose so there’s no reason to be upset over them. Call me crazy, but that’s pretty cynical.
To quote Evanescence:
Crawling through this world while disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can’t go on like this
I loathe all I’ve become
-- rakaur // 2005.04.29 @ 12:54 PM
Clowns to the Left of Me
[ rakaur on Sat Apr 23 at 07:44 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]
Photography. It also seems that Harrison might have fixed my camera… if he ever puts it back together.
So I got up at six, left at seven, spent twelve hours in Sparta, and now I’m back. What a spectacular waste of twelve hours. It was track. It was cold. It was windy. I spent most of the trip either sleeping, listening to music to drown out the morons, sleeping to drown out the morons, or listening to music to drown out the morons while trying to sleep. I think, however, I may have had an epiphany.
I think, maybe Tesla was right. Maybe friendships and emotions and all of that jazz only serve as a distraction.
No, I don’t really believe that. I think friendships are part of life, and should be experienced fully. Unfortunately, in my case, I seem to experence little friendship, and a lot of losing it. Maybe, I’m not meant to have friends. I mean, as an INTP, my least developed personality trait is emotions. Feelings. I don’t get them. I don’t think most people get them, but I really don’t get them. After a painful eighteen years trying to lead healthy (friend|relation)ships, and utterly failing, I’m starting to think just maybe it’s not part of who I am. Maybe I have a complete inability to lead a successful relationship.
I mean, why not? Some people can draw, others can’t. Some people can interact with others, some can’t. What’s the difference? I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, but I seem to want to make damn sure I stay that way. I’m insanely upset over having lost a good… no, my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding, but just maybe… I don’t know. I’ve always known I’m not a people person. While I sat against the wall listening to music, I watched everyone gather in a circle and talk about things and play games, and I had absolutely no want or inclination to join them. I just sat there against the wall, alone, listening to music, while my team mates made the best of a bad day. I always sit alone on the bus, too. Sometimes I’d like to take part in one of the conversations, but I know no one really wants to listen to anything I have to say, so I’ll just get pissed off when I’m talking and no one listens (another INTP trait).
Another observation I made today astounds me. I have to wonder, how and why so flabbergastingly stupid people have such success in social situations. Although they utterly fail to grasp even the most basic concepts of social rules, they still succeed in social situations. Not only that, but they’re viewed as “outspoken” and “friendly.” I fail to see how shitting your pants on the bus, rubbing your ass (and other parts) on people you don’t know, and being mind-numbingly ugly makes you outspoken. I used to think, “man, society sure has my respect; it takes a lot of stamina and energy to successfully tolerate so many stupid people every day,” but then I realized the vast majority of society is composed of stupid people. I used to think I completely failed to understand society insomuch as that there are social rules, which appear to exist for the sole reason of doing anything in a social situation except for following social rules. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, or better than society (because clearly, society works, so it must just be me), but, Jesus Mother of Fuck, people are stupid.
I’m going to die alone.
-- rakaur // 2005.04.23 @ 07:44 PM
KORI
[ rakaur on Fri Apr 22 at 08:04 PM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
Kori, if we’re going to fix this, we have to do it, now. If you’re going to hate me forever because of one fight, then I guess our friendship isn’t worth saving to you. I guess I had a lot more invested in it than you did.
There’s no guarantee that there will be a tomorrow, so let’s make today the best that we can.
-- rakaur // 2005.04.22 @ 08:04 PM
