relationships: August 2005 archives


The Way You Wish I Was

[ rakaur on Mon Aug 29 at 11:53 PM // category: lccc, life, nikki, relationships, school ]

I wish I had more to talk about on here… I miss writing (not so much now that I’m in a writing class… which is the worst class ever).

Haven’t had much work now that school’s in. The theater is very seasonal, and is only open half the time while school’s in, so I get less than half the hours, so less than half the pay I’m used to. I’m looking for another job to supplement this. So, I’ll be working two jobs, and going to school full time. Good times.

Another thing about school… I wish I knew what I was there for. I have absolutely no idea what to do with my life. I find a lot of things interesting, but nothing enough to spend my life doing.

Speaking of spending my life doing things… my girlfriend and I are getting pretty serious. We’ve only been together seven weeks, and I know it’s crazy, but I quite thoroughly love her. I didn’t think I would at first… and I kept myself from falling for her really quickly because it’s screwed me over so many times in the past. I took my feelings slow with her… and I think it might be for real. It’s causing me quite a delimma though.

You see, I figured I’d be alone for, you know, ever. And, as such, I’ve envisioned my future alone. No girlfriend, certianly no wife, family, etc. Nikki wants all of these things. Marriage, kids, the American family. I generally hate everything about that picture. I was raised in that enviornment… and I hated it. We as a society have some strange conceptions about how things should be for everyone, and people take it for granted, and I hate that. I hate the idea of not questioning how things should be. Why should I get married? Yeah, I love her, and I want to spend time with her, but what’s a piece of paper matter? I think for her it’s more of a religious thing, and she wants me to be religious… but I’m not, and I never will be. That’s just who I am. No matter how much I love her, I can’t just start being hardcore Luthern. I don’t care what she believes in, that’s her business, but she seems to think that if I don’t start being religious then our relationship isn’t going to last. That’s a shame. I’d do anything to keep that from happening, and to keep us together… but I can’t change my fundamental beliefs just because she wants me to. It just doesn’t work that way.

I’m a questioning, anti-conformist, anti-sheep. I hate society because they all act the same. I’m a hardcore think-for-yourself person. She’s not. She’s a believe-everything-that’s-been-fed-to-me person. Those two tend to clash. I love her. If it turns out, down the road, that we’re still together and marriage is a viable option, I’d do it. I’d even have a religious wedding, to appease her and her family. However, I wouldn’t suddenly want a religious family and lots of kids. That’s not me. These things are fundamental differences between us, and we can’t ignore them forever. Eventually, sooner or later, they’re going to come back and it’s going to end badly, and that’s the last thing I want. I can’t lose her, but I can’t change my entire personality to stay with her. If we love each other, we’ll find a way. If she values her religion over our relationship, she’ll break up with me, some day.

I love her. I won’t lose her over something as stupid as religion. I’m tolerant of her beliefs. I don’t think she is of mine (or my lack thereof). The ball’s in her court. I don’t care what she believes in, so long as she doesn’t try to force it on me. I wouldn’t do that, and I can only hope she won’t.

I guess we’ll see.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.29 @ 11:53 PM

Can You Hear Me Now?

[ rakaur on Sun Aug 14 at 11:12 PM // category: hardware, kori, life, nikki, relationships, technology ]

It’s been so long since I’ve posted anything that my administration page wasn’t even in my address list anymore.

That’s a long time.

So, Nikki’s back home. I, well, a few people convinced her that going home would be best. So, I drove her home, and met her parents. They apparently like me. I’m not sure I quite understand. Her mom’s lightening up a little bit, and I’m not sure her dad was ever mad at her. She got back my necklace and the first present I bought her from her mom, so things are looking good for her, which is, you know, good.

I’m starting school soon. Not really too thrilled with the idea. Though, it seems I’ll make a profit going to college. I’m not quite sure how much yet, but it’s at least $1,200. On my award letter they also had “work study” which was like $2,200, but I don’t know anything about that. If I get that back too it’d be $3,400… which would be awesome. Either way, I’m building a new computer. And I’m getting this. I don’t give a shit how expensive it is, I want it. I’ve wanted one forever, and I’d like to reclaim my desk, thank you very much. But anyway, at least $1,200 and a new computer, which is, you know, good.

One of my old friends has gotten in contact with me. We’re not nearly as close as we used to be, and I don’t think we’ll ever be, but talking to someone that I haven’t heard from in a long time is, you know, good.

Life is going well right now, which is, you know, good.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.14 @ 11:12 PM

Better Than I've Ever Been

[ rakaur on Thu Aug 04 at 11:58 PM // category: life, nikki, relationships ]

Oh man, lots to talk about.

Well, she ran away. I went and picked her up, violating several laws. She stayed at my house a few days, but my mom put a stop to that. A friend from work took her in, and she’s been staying there off and on and bouncing between a few other people. The police contacted me (found my cell number in her room) and we talked. Her sister contacted me and we talked. I got her to call the police so they know she’s okay, and she talked to her sister who seemed concerned. She also talked to her mother, who just started yelling at her as soon as she picked up. I think she made the right decision to stay away. She’s planning to hang until she’s 17 (December 30th) and then start the emancipation process.

I don’t have much time online anymore. All I do mostly is work or hang out with Nikki. I haven’t seen any of my friends for some time. Caleb’s been gone for two weeks, and Matt’s leaving soon.

It’s been a long time, but I really have nothing else to say.

-- rakaur // 2005.08.04 @ 11:58 PM

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