relationships: June 2005 archives
The Days of Our Lives
[ rakaur on Sun Jun 19 at 09:42 AM // category: kori, life, relationships ]
I don’t understand it. I never had any real romantic interest in her. She thinks I did, so she hates me. But, Ed is so insanely googoo over her the entire planet knows, and she still talks to him.
I don’t understand why she won’t talk to me. Ed’s in love with her and she has no interest in him but they still talk. I’m not in love with her (but I do love her), but she thinks I am, and she doesn’t even say “good bye”? She just severs all communication? It’s been like three months…
She was the best friend I ever had. I miss her.
-- rakaur // 2005.06.19 @ 09:42 AM
The Downward Spiral
[ rakaur on Tue Jun 14 at 12:46 AM // category: life, relationships ]
Yeah, so, that worked out terribly. Girl A decided that we’re “just friends.”
Never mind being deeply depressed, let’s try Girl B.
This cannot end well. I’m so tired of being alone that I can’t stop myself. It’s like a train wreck.
Listen, ‘cause you are the only one that cares to hear.
-- rakaur // 2005.06.14 @ 12:46 AM
When it Rains...
[ rakaur on Mon Jun 13 at 10:16 AM // category: life, relationships ]
Continuing my blog entries with cliché titles…
So, that girl definitely knows I like her. I asked her out to a really nice place on a double date with some friends of mine. At least, that’s how I see it. But to her, I don’t know what’s going on. I’m really into her, but I have no idea what she thinks of me.
To complicate things further, another girl told me she’s interested last night. She’s a really sweet girl, and I liked her when I had her in class, and if I wasn’t “with” Girl A I’d definitely take the opportunity.
So the thing is, I really need to just get a straight answer from Girl A as to where, if anywhere, we’re going. I mean, if we are heading somewhere and she just needs time, that’s fine, I understand that. But if she never wants to go anywhere, well… I can’t let opportunities go to waste.
Tough situation.
-- rakaur // 2005.06.13 @ 10:16 AM
To Write or Not to Write?
[ rakaur on Sat Jun 04 at 10:40 PM // category: life, relationships ]
Oddly enough, I worry more now about posting in this than I did when I was in school. Namely because almost everyone that knows me knows this exists now. I know people are going to read it. So, what I used to use as an outlet for sorting my true thoughts is in danger of becoming a disinformation tool. That is, to get people to think what I want them to.
Naturally, that’s the last thing I want to happen. But then, I have an overwhelming want to exclude personal details from this. I don’t want people to get all freaked out over my blog. People don’t understand that it’s just me sorting my thoughts, just like other people do through drawing or painting or talking or thinking or meditating or whatever; I write, it’s what I do. If I say I have feelings for someone, I’m trying to sort out my feelings. Or, maybe, it’s because I know they’ll read this and telling them indirectly is easier, though less effective (completely useless, actually). Writing continues to get me in a lot of deep water. First there was the school thing, the Kori thing, and, more recently, the Ruby thing. Nevertheless, I can’t make myself stop, as it’s rather deleterious to my mental state.
Sometimes I feel as if I write because I don’t have anyone that cares enough to listen to me. I stopped writing so much when Kori and I were close, but now she hates me (oh, my mistake, she “doesn’t hate anyone,” right…) and I’m back to writing. I’ve been talking to someone else a lot, and I really like her, and I want it to be more than friendship, but dare I tell her that? I never wanted to be more than friends with Kori, but something I wrote gave her that impression and she completely freaked out and never talked to me again. What if I tell this girl I want to be more than friends and she never talks to me again? I’d rather not risk it, but if I don’t I have no idea what I’ll be missing out on. I guess if you want to live a risk-free life, you never enjoy anything. I never used to have a problem with this; I used to tell girls I liked them and it always winded up well. But eventually we broke up, and that really kills me. You can only go through that so many times before you grow a giant emotional callus and you don’t even allow yourself to risk being hurt. That’s the state I’ve been in for almost three years, and it sucks.
Should I write or shouldn’t I? If anyone actually reads this, now is the time to leave comments. After writing this, I know what I’m going to do in regards to my situation with this girl. So, you see, all that bullshit I just typed out helped me reach a conclusion. That’s why I write.
-- rakaur // 2005.06.04 @ 10:40 PM
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