relationships: October 2004 archives

OMG UPDATE YOUR BLOG IRL

[ rakaur on Thu Oct 28 at 02:48 PM // category: life, relationships ]

I have no life. How’s that for an update, assholes?

I still have no friends, I still don’t go anywhere, I still don’t do anything, and I still don’t talk to Kayla.

I signed up for stupid volleyball/badminton/bowling because all the girls would take it and I’d be in her class BUT SHE SIGNED UP FOR WEIGHT LIFTING WHY DOES GOD TORTURE ME SO?

End of update.

-- rakaur // 2004.10.28 @ 02:48 PM

Holy Shit, I Went to a Football Game and Enjoyed It

[ rakaur on Sat Oct 23 at 11:49 PM // category: eawr, life, relationships, school ]

So, last night was the last season football game. It was roughly 100 miles away, in a rural ass town surrounded by cows. There’s no way I was going to drive, and figured I just wouldn’t go as none of my “friends” wanted to go.

But then I talked to the girl I want…

<me> hey
<girl> hey
<me> going to pana?
<girl> .. are you?

So I went to Pana (and, despite what all logic and reason tells you, it’s pronounced “PAIN-ah”). Yes, I went 200 miles round trip on a bus full of cheerleaders on the obscure chance that the girl I like might be there. She was there.

Unfortunately, the other kid that wants her was all over her the whole time. So I guess I lose. Yeah, that’s new.

So anyway, I had fun with some friends that were there and enjoyed myself generally. We spanked them 36 nothing. So, we went undefeated.

When we got back into town, half of the city was parked in an abandoned parking lot (K-Mart sucks) and we pulled in and everyone was honking and, being on a bus full of cheerleaders, there was a lot of noise. They all started screaming and cheering and banging on the bus and such. It was really fun.

The football player buses got there, and it was even more crazy. We left and police cars and firetrucks escorted us through the town, with a ton of people cheering us on throughout the streets. It was neat. Unfortunately, I had to piss like a race horse so I didn’t really stick around after we got to school.

In the long run, it was great, and I’m glad I went. It forced me into a social setting that I really need to learn to deal with. Unfortunately, I’ll still be madly depressed because of the girl thing. Hopefull I made some new friends though.

So here it is
The feeling you heard about, can't do without
If winter has fled and sadness has gone away
A moment can overthrow the gray
Lift up your head and say, only today

And on it goes
The motions can be escaped, so celebrate
If you turn aside the image will reappear
Accusing exactly as it fits
Lift up your heart and say, only today

Today, if winter has fled and sadness has gone away
Lift up your head and say, only today

So here it is
The feeling you heard about, can't do without
If winter has fled and sadness has gone away
A moment can overthrow the gray
Lift up your head and say, only today

Lift up your head and say
Only today

-- rakaur // 2004.10.23 @ 11:49 PM

Eat Shit and Die

[ rakaur on Mon Oct 18 at 10:25 PM // category: life, relationships ]

You know, there are times when you’re so frustrated with everything that you sit down to write and you have no idea where you’re going. Well, this is one of those times. Sometimes I wonder if the only thing keeping my reservoir of sanity from running dry is my infatuation with random girls that I’ve never met and know absolutely nothing about. I obsess with them endlessly until I’m forced to find someone else to attach myself to.

I don’t get it. Do I have to have someone I believe to love? Maybe because my family has been so defunct for the vast majority of my life? Maybe because I have no ciblings? Maybe because I’ve never had a real girlfriend? Maybe because the closest I’ve ever come to someone I could trust was someone several thousand miles away whom I knew only as text? I don’t know, maybe.

I’m so tired of being all strung out over something that I know is a complete waste of time. So, yeah, I’d like to have someone I could talk to. That someone being a girl I can care about would be a bonus. So do I just pick some girl I think is pretty and try to pretend she has all of these magical qualities that I’ll never actually find in anyone? I sound like a girl: picking some good looker and trying to make them into what I want, when in reality I know it’ll never happen.

Or maybe it’s because once again instead of talking to someone I’m sitting at a terminal at 10:30 writing to a machine.

I need someone.

-- rakaur // 2004.10.18 @ 10:25 PM