Clowns to the Left of Me
[ rakaur on Sat Apr 23 at 07:44 PM // category: eawr, kori, life, relationships, running, school ]
Photography. It also seems that Harrison might have fixed my camera… if he ever puts it back together.
So I got up at six, left at seven, spent twelve hours in Sparta, and now I’m back. What a spectacular waste of twelve hours. It was track. It was cold. It was windy. I spent most of the trip either sleeping, listening to music to drown out the morons, sleeping to drown out the morons, or listening to music to drown out the morons while trying to sleep. I think, however, I may have had an epiphany.
I think, maybe Tesla was right. Maybe friendships and emotions and all of that jazz only serve as a distraction.
No, I don’t really believe that. I think friendships are part of life, and should be experienced fully. Unfortunately, in my case, I seem to experence little friendship, and a lot of losing it. Maybe, I’m not meant to have friends. I mean, as an INTP, my least developed personality trait is emotions. Feelings. I don’t get them. I don’t think most people get them, but I really don’t get them. After a painful eighteen years trying to lead healthy (friend|relation)ships, and utterly failing, I’m starting to think just maybe it’s not part of who I am. Maybe I have a complete inability to lead a successful relationship.
I mean, why not? Some people can draw, others can’t. Some people can interact with others, some can’t. What’s the difference? I don’t particularly enjoy being alone, but I seem to want to make damn sure I stay that way. I’m insanely upset over having lost a good… no, my best friend, over a simple misunderstanding, but just maybe… I don’t know. I’ve always known I’m not a people person. While I sat against the wall listening to music, I watched everyone gather in a circle and talk about things and play games, and I had absolutely no want or inclination to join them. I just sat there against the wall, alone, listening to music, while my team mates made the best of a bad day. I always sit alone on the bus, too. Sometimes I’d like to take part in one of the conversations, but I know no one really wants to listen to anything I have to say, so I’ll just get pissed off when I’m talking and no one listens (another INTP trait).
Another observation I made today astounds me. I have to wonder, how and why so flabbergastingly stupid people have such success in social situations. Although they utterly fail to grasp even the most basic concepts of social rules, they still succeed in social situations. Not only that, but they’re viewed as “outspoken” and “friendly.” I fail to see how shitting your pants on the bus, rubbing your ass (and other parts) on people you don’t know, and being mind-numbingly ugly makes you outspoken. I used to think, “man, society sure has my respect; it takes a lot of stamina and energy to successfully tolerate so many stupid people every day,” but then I realized the vast majority of society is composed of stupid people. I used to think I completely failed to understand society insomuch as that there are social rules, which appear to exist for the sole reason of doing anything in a social situation except for following social rules. I’m not trying to sound arrogant, or better than society (because clearly, society works, so it must just be me), but, Jesus Mother of Fuck, people are stupid.
I’m going to die alone.
-- rakaur // 2005.04.23 @ 07:44 PM
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